Posted by: Dingo | September 16, 2007

Privacy (The Virgo Sun is so critical)

Hey Everyone,

This is Dingo Stewart, and on today’s blog, I’m writing to you in a daze of cold medicine and too many prescriptions! I’m recovering from bronchitis, but I’ve been ‘doing so’ since late July. This last week has recked havoc for me, and has wasted my time, and I’ve been so preoccupied that I feel I haven’t gotten anything finished. I’m not happy that my physical state has had any reason to interrupt the work I (mental regime) have to do. So I’m wandering around the house, and I’m thinking about how critical I’ve been of myself lately. I hear Self say to me, “Lay off the dame for a while. Don’t you think you’ve ridden her hard enough.” Then I hear a cute little chuckle, when I realize it’s from me. I decide I have to agree with Self on this one, and I’ll fill you in why.

I’ve had this terrible relationship with my inner self for a while (all my life), and as I intellectually know that I’m a fairly decent person, I remember an event that kind of sums up this turmoil I’ve been going through in my judgment of myself. Today’s blog is so true of the effects of the Virgo Sun, and this under-current of proving myself to me is living proof to me that I’ve been basking in Her Sun’s waves lately. And I’m happy to do so because I love the rush of critiques that flow though me. Yet I’ve seen enough at this present age, that I know I have to be a little forgiving as I do so. This blog addresses an experience that happened to me when I was younger, and I think it sums up the effect of Virgo quite well.

When I was younger, I had a boyfriend that I just absolutely adored. I preface this strongly; because this guy was truly the exception to the rule. (And I wonder why I criticize myself?) One day, I was left alone at my former boyfriend’s mom’s house. I didn’t have a place of my own at the time, and he had to go to class to take his final exams. After much discussion, the conclusion was reached that I might be a distraction, so I was going to be left to be in the place alone. His mom was at work, and I didn’t have anywhere to go, but I was worried she may feel her privacy had been violated because her son left his girlfriend alone in her house. I don’t know about you, but this was not a comfortable position for me to be in. If I’m not already uncomfortable enough, my boyfriend asked me not to look into any of his personal items in his absence. I was cool about that. We were young enough I could understand the importance of his feelings and his need to ask. But as you will see, his request would make me analyze myself. I realized then that I put a high importance on how I am viewed by other people, even though I tell myself I don’t care. Pathetic, but true.

He left, and I had nothing to do. I don’t know about you, but silence was something I didn’t experience until I got much older. I’m the first girl in my parents’ family, and my sister was born after I was eleven months old. My parents had four more children after me, and our household was virtually sans an animal since the day I was born, so I was never truly alone. So at this moment, I am. I was painfully aware of the passing of time, and I’m driven to be as far away from even looking as though I touched anything in the residence. Yet in all that time, and even with the perfect opportunity presented to me, I never thought of looking at anything that was personal. I mean this. Even before being asked (given the choice), I wouldn’t have thought to go through his room and snoop around, let alone his mother’s house. But for some reason, now it escapes me why I find staying at his mom’s house a solution? Very odd. So, as you can tell, the day was boring, and I thought the whole day had gone on for nothing, because nothing happened. But I was wrong.

What I didn’t realize at the time was I had been presented with the opportunity of choice. I really could have snooped around at the time, and unlike today’s technology, I know there wouldn’t have been much of a chance for my boyfriend to catch me. Unless he was to test me, instead of going to class to take his. But as I walk around my house today internally beating myself up for being ill again, I have the wonder of this memory. As boring as that day was, the memory of it brought back a piece of clarity for myself. And by remembering, I was able to reflect on something in my character that made me happy. I like who I am. I love the strange complicity of this simple event from my life. After having this thought, I gave myself a break, and decided to do what I have to, to let myself do what I have to and let the self-critique go. So as I share this moment with you, I hope you find a moment of your own. I hope you remind yourself, as I did, why it is you are who you are.?! For every friend who has asked me to keep a secret, or keep what they’ve said to myself–don’t worry, we’re gold. And for a special sista in San Francisco, I’m so proud of you. You go girl!

I want to thank everyone for the feedback. Thanks for keeping me running. Remember, I’m always sending out positive thoughts for us all, so thank you for yours.

Dingo Stewart


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